


Like mixing colors

by Ruoste



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Implied/Referenced Sexual Harassment, M/M, Mentioned Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd, Miklan (Fire Emblem) Being an Asshole, Minor Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier, POV First Person, Trans Male Character, Trans Sylvain Jose Gautier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:15:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25055308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ruoste/pseuds/Ruoste
Summary: ’’At a young age I knew it was better to smile than to cry. When I smiled I got praised for being brave or more mature than my age. It made me feel bigger and stronger than I actually was. That I could stand up for myself and not be afraid of my brother.’’
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	Like mixing colors

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to my friend and beta catfishbone! They also helped me edit this. Show them love!  
> Kudos and comments are always welcome~

I have always gotten everything. Crest. The right as my family’s heir. Crest. Made friends that I hold dear to this day. Crest.

Everything that Miklan didn’t get.  


At a young age I knew it was better to smile than to cry. When I smiled I got praised for being brave or more mature than my age. It made me feel bigger and stronger than I actually was. That I could stand up for myself and not be afraid of my brother.

He never did anything up till the inciting incident. He would stare at me coldly, ignore me or just walk away. I understood why. My family made it very clear, that I would be the heir to Gautier family head. My brother would get nothing but a right to stay here watch me grow and get everything. In exchange for me bearing responsibility, I would get anything. Proper family meals with my favorite food, I could choose what weapon to wield, which instructor would tutor me for etiquette, and, be the gender I wish I could have been born as.

It started when puberty hit, like when all bad things in life happen. But because of my _loving parents_ it was simply accepted. Goddess made a mistake while I was born and that’s that.  
One person wasn't going to let it go, and that was Miklan. When I returned to my room that day, all my new clothes had been torn up. Ripped with a sharp object for the looks of it. Everyone was sure that someone had broken in, tried to find anything valuable and, when they couldn’t, they just took their rage out on the nearby objects. I wasn’t so sure especially when I could swear I saw Miklan smile when mom gave me her old evening gown for the night.

That’s the day when Miklan’s attitude towards me started to grow more openly vicious. He would pin me down more than needed while studying military arts. He would shove me casually when walking past me. When we went hunting to the woods, Miklan disappeared in a middle of it and I had to find my way back home on my own. I had frostbites all over my body when I finally arrived back.

He would always call me ’’princess’’ ***** and never by my name. One time, after a really rough day I snapped back at him, past my fears and told him to stop calling me that.  
  
I still to this day remember the face he made. It was like all of those years of anger came slipping through, and my heart stopped. He grabbed me by the neck and slammed my head to the ground. I couldn’t make out all the words, because my head felt light, it was hard to breath and everything was spinning. But amidst all of the chaos I could faintly hear, how I took everything from him, and, even how that wasn’t enough. How now I was going to take his place as a lone son too.  
  
  


\----  
  
  
  
When I came to, I was inside a well. My head was ringing and I felt like throwing up. For a second I couldn’t remember what had happened. When it hit me, I layed there a moment. I knew Miklan didn’t like me but this had been the first time he openly expressed it. I didn’t know how to feel about the new revelation. Relief that I hadn’t just imagined it all? Fear for what would come next?

Fear is exactly how I felt when I saw water beginning to fill the well.

This well was connected to the running water uphill, and once all the water had been used, it would be filled up again. I knew I had to climb, for the well was never full enough to reach the top most parts of the well. And once my hands and feet would be wet enough, they would slip from the well’s cracks and I wouldn't be able to climb my way back anymore.

I would eventually drown, if the cold wouldn’t get to me first.

  
I tried to grip on to the wall patching for the support, but my fingers were numb and I could barely feel them. My feet were slowly being emerged in the water and my heart was beating a thousand beats in a minute. When my knees were touching the water I tried to lift my self with both of my hands. It somehow worked with the other arm, but my left arm's hold broke. Adrenaline was enough to make up for it as I tried next to find footing. My feet were heavier now with them being soaked and I couldn’t find a spot that could support my weight.

I began to panic. Cold water was running against my lower back now.

I was going to die.

_‘’Help! Please…! I. I don’t- I don’t want to die…! I. Please!’’_

I tried to yell, but my voice broke into sobs and I was scared and filled with regrets I didn’t think I would have. Like ones, if I had been nicer to Miklan, he wouldn’t have pushed me to this well. If I would have promised to produce an heir and in exchanged Miklan would have his place on a dinner table next to us. Or-

_I later realized of course, that none of that would have helped, and would have only made Miklan more bitter against me._

I’m thankful, that my panic lasted only a few terrible seconds, when I saw a ball of black hair looking down at me.

Miklan was disowned year after that, but it didn’t change the fact that I still saw nightmares of him with that angered look in his eyes, or the things he did before the final drop.  
  


  
\----  
  


  
When I became of age my parents had to make some adjustments to the marriage candidates. They had to be men that were looking for men. I didn’t mind that all my suitors were men as Iknew I swing both ways.

Still the process of it made me feel invalid.

It made me feel like an object to be pawned up to the highest bidder, and I didn’t like that one bit. Thus I decided, while I still had yet to been tied down, I would play around with girls as I would get sold off to a guy anyway.

To produce the heir.

  
Still sometimes I would fall for a guy, and let it happen.

It was better to not to worry about the future, when things like _The Tragedy of Duscur_ would happen again.  
  
  


\----  
  
  


I assumed the role of a kind of big brother in my friend group after the tragedy. It was natural, as I was the oldest and the least involved with Glenn. It came a sort of duty of mine to hold to group together. To let them grieve, while I would swallow my own troubles down my throat before they even left my mouth.

Others had it harder than me. Dimitri was the prim and proper prince and he had a much more heavy of burden on his shoulders now that his family was gone. Ingrid who always yearned to be a loyal knight was going get wed to another man that was not Glenn.

And Felix the crybaby... I can’t deny that a part of me had been jealous of Felix. How he could wear his emotions in his sleeve and not be judged for it? But more than that, I felt sad when I saw it crumble away with Glenn's death. I teasingly would brought up the old Felix, in hope that maybe someday Felix would be comfortable enough to let out that side again, but alas Felix was too caught up for his desire for strength.

When everyone was breaking down, I knew I had to be stronger. I had to be the one that would be the lone standing pillar, if it meant others would recover. When everyone else changed, I swore not to. When Dimitri would speak to walls, I would make the same lame jokes to make him laugh. When Ingrid would look at the lance Glenn gave him with pained face, I would drag her to town. When Felix was busy training, I would keep him company- That is, until he inevitably would get angry at me and challenge me to a duel. Then I would run for my life.

  
I was fine being the butt of a joke, as long as everyone else was fine. Yet, hard as I tried, the changes happened.  
  
  
  
\----  
  
  
  
I don’t remember when lying became second nature to me. I have always been a liar, but it was always white lies.  
  


_’’Did Miklan do that to you?’’_  
  
_’’No’’_  
  
I would answer rubbing my twisted wrist. Somehow despite my good intent, Miklan felt like I was looking down at him and would hit me again, which lead to my family punishing him more cruelly.  
  
  
  
_’’Sorry my dear. She just wanted to see someone who holds a crest more closely. I hope it wasn’t a bother?’’_  
  
_’’No madam. Not at all!’’_  
  
I smiled with a biggest smile I could muster and yet I felt so, so anxious with the noble lady and her daughter glazing down on me, like well maned horse that they could just purchase.  
It made me feel sick.  
  
  


\----  
  
  
Lying made everything slightly bit easier. Like when you lie and say you’re not tired yet. You gain just that tad bit of energy to push through. When you eat something bad and lie it’s good. You just gotta keep eating, you can just wash away the taste with water. It’s a kind of comfort that honest folks like Dimitri and Ingrid will never know, nor would I want them to.

After Glenn’s death I thought maybe my lying spree had tainted Felix, but it’s not quite that. Felix doesn’t lie. He never said that he wasn’t sad or devastated when Glenn died. He just didn’t say any of those things and buried them under all other bitter and angry words. I’m glad I can still see the old Felix I once knew under all those spiteful words.  
  
  
____  
  
  


’’Sylvain!’’  
  
When Ingrid marched to me with that tone, I thought maybe I should have chosen the more ’’Felix like’’ way of coping with stress and pain.  
  
’’Hello Ingrid! How are you?’’  
  
’’You know how I am. I had to clean up your another messy break ups. When are you going to stop doing this?’’  
  
’’Haha, you know I have always been like this. What’s up all of a sudden?’’  
  
’’When you were eight you tried to hit on my grandmother!’’  
  
’’Wow, wow! Why are you suddenly bringing that up?’’  
  
’’When you where ten you went after a man who was clearly crossdressing ****** ’’  
  
’’Alright, not so loud…! Others will hear-’’

  
But she went on counting every failed break up or fight I have gotten myself into because of my skirt chasing. But what got me the most, was when Ingrid went quiet. She looked so very tired, all because of me.  
  
  
  
I…  
  
I hadn’t even realized it had become a problem for others.

  
  
And then she said she felt worried for me. That I couldn’t be left on my own without getting in to trouble. After Ingrid left I didn’t feel humiliated like I should have. I just felt confused.   
  


Disoriented.  
  
At some point I got so good at lying, I didn’t even notice I was doing it.  
  
When exactly did I start hitting on girls who weren’t my type?  
  


_( - When the creepy lady from a party tried to force you inside her a carriage.)_

  
For how long have I gone on dates with those types of girls, that I would avoid like a plague when house Gautier held a party?

_( - When you a bunch of older and stronger girls tried to drag you to a private room for a little ’’fun’’.)  
  
  
_  
**I’m not afraid of girls.  
**

**  
**  
I shouldn’t be.  
  


I’m-

  
I’m stronger than them.

  
Not helpless.

  
Not like with Miklan…

  
So what if they want me?

  
I’ll play along long enough, so I can lose them in the crowd.

  
If they still chase after me, I’ll just play with another girl until they get a hint.

  
_( - Aren’t you just trying to get rid of the problem by creating another?)  
_

  
  
Now the most said comment tends to be about me playing with girls, doesn’t it?  
  
When did it change from reliable to that, I wonder…  
  
When did others start to worry about me?  
  
Wasn’t it supposed to be the other way around?  
  
The lies started so small and now… Where do these lies end and I begin?

So many layers and still they never seem to end.

**You see, once you start lying those words and actions become slowly part of you. Like mixing colors. Mix enough colors and you have only black.**

**You can’t even guess with what color you originally started with.**

  
  
I’m just… happy that Ingrid, Dimitri and Felix are still with me. They ground me. Even if it’s just scolds.

I feel like I won’t lose myself as long as they are here to remind me of the past. From Dimitri breaking things accidentally. Ingrid looking at knights with admiration. Felix’s yearn for strength.

I… will protect it all.

I will protect them all.  
  
  


\- That’s the only reason for me to draw breath, isn’t it?

**Author's Note:**

> * In Japanese, while fighting Miklan he calls Sylvain ’’princess’’ (or a direct translation would be a noble lady, but that sounds off). Sylvain answers by ’’I’m already numb to that insult’’ (referring that this insult has being used before) and taking a shaky, unsteady breath before he begs Miklan to stop.
> 
> This could be taken as a basic ’’you fight like a girl’’ insult, but… during all the 4 routes I have played in three houses, no one has called anyone a girl as an insult. Which makes sense in the world building sense. Being born a woman doesn’t make you weak as there is magic and crests. As a woman it’s not unusual to be a knight (Ingrid and Ashe, Hapi and Ashe support), the most powerful religious leader is Rhea, later a ruler Edelgard and they literally worship a goddess, not a god. So I might just be over-thinking but calling someone repeatedly a girl like Miklan, I see as an very specific personalised insult for Sylvain. Because Sylvain took everything from him, it could be the only way for him to one-up him. Hit where it hurts. Because that is one thing that Miklan has and not Sylvain. Just my interpretation but what I have heard and seen of Miklan, he seems just toxic enough to pull something like that.
> 
> So that’s where my headcanon of Sylvain as trans comes. Other FE3H that I headcanon as trans are Lysithea and Bernadetta.
> 
>   
> ** This is what actually Ingrid said in Sylvain’s and Ingrid’s C support. Yes. Sylvain hit on a man. No scarecrows. Weirdly enough in the English version they kept Flayn’s comment about Sylvain going for men? What is this uneven Bi Sylvain censure ship?
> 
> Based on the Japanese/original game and supports, because Japanese Sylvain is in all ways deeper and a better written character  
> (hear me rant on twitter @RuosteRauta and on Tumblr @summonerruoste and read Japanese/original Mercedes and Sylvain full translated support chain for context if you so please)


End file.
